on heartache, grace and glory

The last of summer’s bounty.  

Summer, the season usually regarded as my favorite, was harsh to us this year.  We experienced loss on a few fronts - some relatively trivial, others more weighty.  I know that things could be much, much worse, but still my heart has ached over recent times.  There is so much to hurt for and so much to be thankful for and it’s sort of a strange and place to find oneself.  In my head I usually hold on to what I know to be true, but my heart doesn’t always want to follow suit.  And I think that’s ok.  It’s ok to feel all the feels.  It’s ok to acknowledge deep sorrow and pain.  

These past couple months, I’ve shed an awful lot of tears.  I’ve cried in the van while driving the girlies from place to place, I’ve wiped tears away while walking with the girls in the mornings, I’ve even had to pull out the tissues at the beach —my happy place!  And as awkward and uncomfortable as it has been (sorry to all you folks who stopped beside me at a red light, trying not to make eye contact with the crazy crying lady stopped next to you!), I believe the Lord has been working in my heart, despite the moments and days when I’ve dug my heels into the ground, quite literally pitching a fit like a toddler in my prayers.  (thank you, Jesus for your grace and patience with me!)  

I don’t understand the why and that’s really difficult for me, but as desperately as I want to, I know that I don’t have to know the why.  Just the what:  He is God, He is good and He’s asked me very clearly to trust Him.  

There have been so many moments when I’ve thought “I just can’t.” or “I’m so done."  And to be honest, I’ve been stuck in a bit of rut of these kinds of thoughts lately.  And there’s room for that.  His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in our weakness.  But it doesn’t stop there.

Last night we went to Bible study after a particularly rough day.  

It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I am so glad I went because something was shared that snapped me right out of my rut.  One of our group members talked about how we often view ourselves in relation to God as cups —when life is going well, our cups fill with blessing and overflow, but when things aren’t so dandy we feel like our cup has been drained.  In reality, we ought to view ourselves as mirrors that reflect the glory of God.  So when things are going well, we praise Him and recognize His goodness to us in that, and when things aren’t going well we can hold on to the fact that all things work together for our good to His glory (Romans 8:28), and rejoice in that too. 

Even in great tragedy and loss, this shift allows us to have not only a right understanding of His goodness regardless of our circumstance, but also allows us to ground our joy in Him, not in our circumstances.  Or as my devotional reading put it this morning (clearly, the Lord wants to make sure this point is driven home for me):  “The most precious truth in the Bible is that God’s greatest interest is to glorify the wealth of his grace by making sinners happy in him - in him!  When we humble ourselves like little children and put on no airs of self-sufficiency, but run happily into the joy of our Father’s embrace, the glory of his grace is magnified and the longing of our soul is satisfied.  Our interest and his glory are one.” 

Amen.  Thank you, Jesus.

everyday grace

friends.

it has been a long and busy couple weeks at our house

we hosted family and friends for 2 weeks straight

which was fun, of course, but also draining

(can i get an amen from all my fellow introverts?)

then, less than 24 hours after seeing our family off

i had to bring my house back into order

AND get everything that wasn't a large piece of furniture off the carpet

now, before you go thinking i like to create strange tasks for myself, 

i should mention that our landlord is selling our house

which means carpet cleaners (hence the pick up frenzy)

then photographers the next day 

(aka more pick up frenzy / stuffing half of our things into boxes and closets)

and now showings for the next 3 days

(try keeping a house showing ready with two toddlers in tow...i dare you)

and amidst all the busy,

there are moments of anxiety, if i'm being honest

about whether the next owner will want to keep us on as renters

or if we'll be out of a house in the next couple of months...

but the Lord has been faithful to remind me that anxiety is not from Him

and He used these verses to encourage me:

"4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
(Philippians 4:4-8)

i assure you, as a person who is no stranger to anxiety, i know these verses well

and yet, reading them in context as i read my way through Philippians, 

i was even more encouraged by them

for the first time, i noticed that the verses immediately following these 

talk about God's provision in Paul's life

and that subtle reminder was just what my heart needed that morning

then the next morning, as i faced my mountain of tasks

i decided i'd put some music on to help motivate me

so i searched one of my favorite worship artists and let youtube go to autoplay

and song after song, lyric after lyric

i realized that what my soul needed was to be reminded of Truth

how easily we loose sight of it when our world gets a little rocky

so i sang along and basked in the many evidences of grace in my life

feeling incredibly refreshed along the way

and yet again, this morning, as i read my devotional, 

these words leapt off the page at me:

"There is no misery that Jesus cannot turn into ministry, 

no brokenness He cannot transform into beauty"

our current situation is nowhere near misery or brokenness, 

let's be clear about that

i just loved that picture of restoration and the encouragement it brings

there's so much perseverance and standing firm involved in running this race we call life

it's such a blessing to be reminded of Jesus' work in our lives, especially when the going gets tough

there's evidence of grace everywhere - you just gotta look for it!

(lyrics from "Loyal" by Lauren Daigle)

Flashback Friday

it's a grey friday morning

i'm leaving for a girls weekend getaway in less than 8 hours

and instead of picking away at my packing

or cleaning my disastrous kitchen 

or heading out to the grocery store to stock up for the hubby,

who, bless his soul, will be wrangling our wild children all on his own while i'm gone

i've decided to take a moment...

...to sip on my americano

...to listen to a random youtube indie-folk playlist

....to look through these pictures from exactly one year ago

because as much as i've loved the seemingly endless summer we've been enjoying

grey days and slow mornings have a nice kind of feel to them too

also, these pictures were taken
exactly where i'm heading this afternoon, 

exactly one year ago today

and i had this conversation with my girlies this morning:

Me: My babies aren't babies anymore...frown emoticon
A: You're silly mama, babies have to grow up!
Me: But my babies were supposed to stay teeny tiny forever.
A: No mama, that's not how babies work.
I: Don't worry mama, we'll always be your babies.

true story.

apparently, my babies have to grow up - it's how babies work, after all

you know, you get a lot of advice when you decide you want to have babies, 

but they never tell you about that struggle in your heart

the one where you want to watch your babies grow up into who they were intended to be,

while simultaneously keeping them as your babies forever and ever

oh wait, they do

but words can't convey what a mama's heart feels

so sometimes you just need to look through old pictures, 

and gush over your babies

then look up and watch them grow up right before your very eyes

and realize how blessed you are to have the past memories and the here-and-now moments

hello, 2015

happy new year, friends!

i cannot believe 2014 has come and gone

by now, i'm sure you've heard about a bajillion other people say the same thing

(it's not just me, right?)

so i'm going to join the chorus

'cause the latter half of 2014 especially has been a complete and total blur:

a search for a new home

then a move

(thank you, Jesus - always providing just the right thing at just the right time!)

***

a frenzy of s-l-o-w unpacking

mingled with a couple visits from family

(my first time ever hosting people in our home!)

***

my first opportunity to second shoot a wedding

(one of these days, i'll pull together and share some favorites of those images)

***

my sister-in-law's wedding

(hooray, we're so happy for them!)

***

travel, travel and more travel

***

six family birthdays

***

a big Christmas trip

***

my photography business picking up

***

preparations for a two special someones turning three this week

...those are just a few highlights since the crazy began in September,

so i shouldn't be surprised that the whole family is now sick

and the tantrums have kinda hit an all time high

(if you are my neighbour and are reading this, please feel bad for and forgive us...!)

yesterday was particularly rough, 

but today is a new day

and i've decided to hang on to the moments in between the not-so-pretty ones

like these, from a rare half hour or so of quietness and cuddles in our house yesterday

also, i saw this quote a while back

(i can't remember where, so if someone knows who i can give credit to, please fill me in!)

and used it to make a desktop background for my laptop

that has been a great source of encouragement

so if you're feeling a bit frazzled today, 

or if, like me, you are in a season that feels so over your head

here are my two cents for you:

1)  sift out and hang on to the good moments

2)  lean in, hang on to and trust Jesus.  

even if you can't seem to find any good moments, 

know that He loves you, 

He is in control

 and His grace is enough to get you through

cast your cares upon him; He will sustain you and give you rest