three quarters of a year down

these little bugs turned 9 months old today!

i took these pictures at lunch

i love their sleepy, we-just-got-up-from-a-nap faces

i love how their hair is now long enough to get a little "messy" now, maybe even to curl a bit!

how they light up when they see family and friends, 

how they make silly faces, 

how big-girl they're looking with their teeth coming in

even though they're still so small (their outfits today were newborn onsies and 4 month pants!),

how every month that goes by, we get to see more of their little personalities.

and let me tell you, they've got some spunk to 'em!

what i don't love, is that their sick (again, i know!)

pretty sure it's just croup so it's not a huge deal

but they're pretty sad about it

and their appetites are suffering a bit

so if you have a minute, we would appreciate your prayers!

happy 9 months, girly-cues...feel better soon!

this heart was once dead, and now it overflows

this one's gonna be long 

so grab yourself a mug of something warm and have a seat, 

i want to share with you a bit about a journey i've been on

because my heart is full,

but my words feel clumsy

and i have never been very articulate,

despite having much to say

the past nine months of my life have been a roller coaster

full of emotions i can't control

and i like control, so it's actually been a bit of a rough go

countless times, i have looked at daniel, tears tumbling down my face, and said,

 "this is the hardest thing i have ever done"

"God obviously has more faith in my ability than i do"

"this isn't fair!"

etc etc etc

i've struggled so deeply

with stress about not being able to be "the perfect mother"

with comparisons to others who seem so pulled together

with loneliness and guilt

with fear about not being able to care for my babies properly

with despair about the ugliness that lies within me because of my sinful nature

the anger

the frustration 

the insecurity

i've also experienced much joy

in those early morning quiet moments when i've stolen a moment with the Lord

in those late night cuddles when i've nursed happy, healthy babies

in the midday business that's yielded so many firsts...

...smiles, rolling over, teeth, sitting up, babbling, "twinspeak"...

with the girls being born in january, 

i've had a chance to experience life differently this year right from the beginning

there has been much anticipation, anxiety and excitement about what lies ahead

"what will the next season with my littles be like?"

i wonder, pray, dream...

let me tell you, it hasn't been at all like what i thought it would be

the first few months were a blur

dark, cold and sleepless days and nights 

led to breakdowns, postpartum blues, anxiety, panic attacks

then we hit spring, 

still not much sleep, but a bit more rewarding 

the longer days were uplifting

but not as uplifting as the family and friends who literally put their lives on hold

to support me 

hold my babies 

listen as i rambled on about my fears and struggles

put up with my irrational and often harsh words 

reassure me

pray for me

send encouragement my way

bring me little things to brighten my day

wash my dishes, (because i never could keep up with the bottles, pump pieces, etc)

change hundreds, probably thousands, of diapers

fly countless miles so i could take a break now and then

make sure i'm eating

and the list goes on...

summer brought sunny, warm days 

(after a crazy cool june, that is)

the girls continued to grow,

and despite being super small for their age, they were healthy

and learning new things every day

it was exciting, busy, better

i finally began to look past myself and my struggle to see all that the Lord had done

the roller coaster of emotions and struggles carried on, but i was beginning to see His hand in it all:

His provision, His sovereignty, His grace, His goodness, His love

and to be truly grateful for it all 

"I am the LORD, and there is no other, 

besides me there is no God; 

I equip you, though you do not know me, 

that people may know, from the rising of the sun

and from the west, that there is none besides me; 

I am the Lord, and there is no other.

I form light and create darkness, 

I make well-being and create calamity, 

I am the LORD, who does all these things."

Isaiah 45:5-7

And now, as we move into fall and winter,

which are usually the toughest seasons for me to face, 

i've been battling my "end of summer meltdown"

(you know it's bad when you have a name for it)

it happens every year

 (except for last year, since i was pretty excited about the girls being en route at the time)

but this year it's been...different (surprise, surprise!)

i can't even really explain how

it's been more of a back burner feeling than an actual moment where i melt down

maybe because i really don't have the time to sit down and deal with it; 

there are mouths to feed, bums to change and tears to be soothed away

but it's still hard to ignore the resident knot in my stomach...

i know it may sound silly to most people, 

but to me, it's a real life battle that i face

and it makes living harder
and if i'm not careful, it gives satan a chance to sneak into my head

to steal my joy, to turn my focus inwards instead of upwards, to keep me from giving thanks in everything

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour...And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:6-8 and 10-11

this morning, as the girls were napping 

(thank you, Jesus!)

i sat down with my Bible in one hand and my coffee in the other

 (once again, thank you, Jesus!)

and as i read, the Lord began reminding me of His goodness, His grace, how He has redeemed His people,

 how He values me and my cares (no matter how silly they are!),
how His grace is sufficient to carry me through anything that i come up against

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for  my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

when i started this blog, i promised myself that i would be real on it

that i would speak my heart and share both my highs and my lows

in hopes that at the very least, it would serve as an outlet for me, but more importantly, it may make a difference in the lives of others who feel the same way

the first three-quarters of this year have been the most difficult months of my life so far

and i'm just now getting to a point where i have the strength to share a glimpse of what has been on my heart and mind

but early on in this role of motherhood,
the Lord laid on my heart that I should share my experiences to minister to and encourage others
so here i am

because trials should not be wasted, but redeemed.

i know He is not finished teaching me and working on my heart

i know there is still so much to learn 

i know that i am on a journey of redemption and this is a season of much work in my heart

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 1:6

i wish i could sit down and tell you all the details, 

but between my memory failing me and there not being enough time in the day,

this snapshot will have to do

i hope it encourages and challenges you

but more importantly, i hope it draws you to Him and tells you of how wonderful He is.

that He has a plan 

that we can trust Him

that He always comes through and He's always on time, 

even if it doesn't look that way

even if we don't see it come full circle in our own lifetimes

because when it's all said and done, its all about Him.  

its been too long...

Well, I've done it again.  I've dropped off the radar for far too long.  I'm beginning to realize that at this stage in my and the girls' lives, that's just going to have to be the way it is.  

I love this blog:
the creative outlet it allows me,
the place to write and speak my mind and work through my thoughts,
the sweet little community of readers who've come along
--its wonderful.

But I'm going to have to come terms with the fact that consistent posts with two busy (read: non-napping) babies is just not going to happen.  There will be periods when I'll get to post often and periods when the girls get sick / we have to get ready to travel / new teeth cut through / things just get busy / etc, which is exactly what happened between the last post and now.  

I have, however, had my trusty iPhone by my side and a healthy Instagram addiction documenting little bits and pieces along the way.  And now that we're home from another lovely trip to see the fam in NC, I've finally been able to find a moment to share a glimpse of our past few weeks:

my little sickies

 

two front teeth! 

 

travel

 

pretty scenery along the way

 

our time in NC

 

eight

dear baby girls, 

today you are eight months old - can you believe it?  that's two-thirds of a year!  it's funny, because the months (and i'm sure the years, once we get that far) fly by, but sometimes the minutes and days seem so long!  not that i don't love being with you, because i do - i love you to the moon and back, like i tell you every time i lay you down for a nap; but this parenting thing can be tough!  i struggle sometimes, because i want to be the perfect mom and have everything together even though i know that's unrealistic and silly.  but the Lord has been using you to teach me over and over again that His grace is sufficient and that He is in control (not me!) - i just need to lean on Him, trust and obey as i learn what it looks like to be a Godly mother and wife.  i know i will fall short, but thank God for grace and new mercies every morning - He is so good, girls!

you two are changing so fast and learning so much every day.  Aria, you are my talker: you talk and talk and when i copy your sounds and babble back, you grin from ear to ear. You're happy to have a conversation with anyone who'll listen; you even chatter from your crib when i put you down for naps!  we often walk by saying "bla, bla, bla" just to hear you say it back - it is too cute.  i am so looking forward to being able to understand what you're telling me and hearing what's on your heart and in that head of yours.  Ivy, you are my watcher:  you notice every little thing that goes on around you.  i often catch you peering over the edge of your exersaucer full of curiosity or looking around the corner to see where the sounds you're hearing are coming from.  it'll be so much fun to discover things together as you grow up!  sometimes though, you're a little too observant - like when you notice that soother in your sister's mouth and decide you need both yours and hers.  you know, that's the kind of thing that comes up in wedding speeches - just sayin'!  ;) 

you two are still so tiny (although you've come a long way since birth) - you're only in the first percentile for weight, actually!  so we've spent this past month trying all kinds of new foods to help you put on some ounces (maybe even pounds, finger crossed!).  we do three meals of solids a day now - you love oats with bananas for breakfast and you'll eat avocados anywhere, anytime (just like mama on that one!).  you're not always keen on new foods, but with some positive reinforcement, you're usually pretty good sports about it.

and at the end of the day, when you're fast asleep, you girlies still manage to melt my heart - i cherish our time together during your your "dream feed" every night.  you're so snuggly and you make the most precious sleep sounds!  i think i'm going to miss you at night once you're big enough to not need these quiet late night feeds anymore.  after your feed, i always set each of you down on your own side of the crib, only to find you cuddled together when i come in to call it a night - it brings a smile to my face every single time, believe it or not, it never gets old.  

well girlies, i should be off.  happy eight months - daddy and i are so excited for what's ahead of us as you grow into who the Lord has intended you to be.  We love you and pray for you every day, our beautiful blessing babies.

love, 

your mom  

he loves me

i know this...

...because his aunt tells me that she's never heard him talk about any girl like he does about me

...because he's patient with me
...because he's willing to share his peanut M&Ms with me, knowing that i will spit out the peanuts
...because he lets me sleep on his pillow while my side of the bed sits wide open

...because he doesn't think i'm too crazy for trying a creme egg every Easter, even though i hate them
...because he laughs at my corny jokes
...because he eats "interesting" foods for me
...because tries all kinds of things that he knows he won't like, just because i asked him to

etc etc etc

i picked a heck of a guy to marry

Monday, he came home from a long day of work,
laced up his runners,

and ran alongside me

for my first post-pregnancy run

our first family run
i know it seems silly, but it was a bit of a big deal to me

i was beaming and didn't know it
he told me i really needed to wipe that grin off my face
we both chuckled
and i kept on grinning
when we got home, he helped feed our by-then screaming daughters
tucked them into bed
and let me talk him into doing a Jillian Michaels work out with me

let me tell you something about us:
we're polar opposites
i love to run and strength train
him...not so much.
but he still does it because he knows i love it
and i love him

feels good to be back in my running shoes again!

Camping Part Three: Heading Home

something happened over the weekend

i saw the leaves start to turn

fiery reds popped up in the lush green trees that lined the streets

a cool (or dare i say cold) breeze made its way through our windows overnight

i felt a knot in my stomach

and a lump in my throat

my annual end of summer meltdown threatened to rear its ugly head

except...i don't feel quite as panicked this year as i've felt in the past

maybe because my summer this year wasn't spent chasing the sun, soaking up every ray possible

i was busy holding little hands, wiping little faces, hearing little giggles

don't get me wrong, i still enjoyed it - it was just...different
and those little hands, faces and giggles that made my summer so special don't end with the season

and i'm actually kind of eager to see what the next season will be like with my baby girls

its like that first day of school giddiness that i talked about in my very first post on this blog 

(already two years ago, believe it or not!)

so here's my last camping installment...perhaps the last "summery" post before switching gears to pumpkins, blankets, baking, board games, hot chocolate, snuggling with family, etc, etc, etc...all with my littles in tow!

Camping, Part Two: Porch Time

Hey there!
So, I sort of fell off the radar there for a little bit.
Life sometimes gets way out of hand around here
...and unexpected staycations like the one we had over the long weekend sure don't help
but we loved every second of it and are back at it having enjoyed some much needed family and down time

ironically, I actually had this post ready to go a week ago, but just didn't get around to hitting that "publish" button...
so without further ado, more camping pictures! 

Apparently, I was a bit camera-happy during porch time.

So happy, that I decided to give some of our pictures on the cabin porch their very own post.

A passerby offered to take a family picture in the middle of my snap-fest

My immediate response was "nah - I look schlepped together"

Ten minutes later, I regretted that decision 

...note to self / tip from my mistakes:  you will NEVER feel ready for a picture; next time, just let the nice stranger capture your moment together with the fam!