this heart was once dead, and now it overflows

this one's gonna be long 

so grab yourself a mug of something warm and have a seat, 

i want to share with you a bit about a journey i've been on

because my heart is full,

but my words feel clumsy

and i have never been very articulate,

despite having much to say

the past nine months of my life have been a roller coaster

full of emotions i can't control

and i like control, so it's actually been a bit of a rough go

countless times, i have looked at daniel, tears tumbling down my face, and said,

 "this is the hardest thing i have ever done"

"God obviously has more faith in my ability than i do"

"this isn't fair!"

etc etc etc

i've struggled so deeply

with stress about not being able to be "the perfect mother"

with comparisons to others who seem so pulled together

with loneliness and guilt

with fear about not being able to care for my babies properly

with despair about the ugliness that lies within me because of my sinful nature

the anger

the frustration 

the insecurity

i've also experienced much joy

in those early morning quiet moments when i've stolen a moment with the Lord

in those late night cuddles when i've nursed happy, healthy babies

in the midday business that's yielded so many firsts...

...smiles, rolling over, teeth, sitting up, babbling, "twinspeak"...

with the girls being born in january, 

i've had a chance to experience life differently this year right from the beginning

there has been much anticipation, anxiety and excitement about what lies ahead

"what will the next season with my littles be like?"

i wonder, pray, dream...

let me tell you, it hasn't been at all like what i thought it would be

the first few months were a blur

dark, cold and sleepless days and nights 

led to breakdowns, postpartum blues, anxiety, panic attacks

then we hit spring, 

still not much sleep, but a bit more rewarding 

the longer days were uplifting

but not as uplifting as the family and friends who literally put their lives on hold

to support me 

hold my babies 

listen as i rambled on about my fears and struggles

put up with my irrational and often harsh words 

reassure me

pray for me

send encouragement my way

bring me little things to brighten my day

wash my dishes, (because i never could keep up with the bottles, pump pieces, etc)

change hundreds, probably thousands, of diapers

fly countless miles so i could take a break now and then

make sure i'm eating

and the list goes on...

summer brought sunny, warm days 

(after a crazy cool june, that is)

the girls continued to grow,

and despite being super small for their age, they were healthy

and learning new things every day

it was exciting, busy, better

i finally began to look past myself and my struggle to see all that the Lord had done

the roller coaster of emotions and struggles carried on, but i was beginning to see His hand in it all:

His provision, His sovereignty, His grace, His goodness, His love

and to be truly grateful for it all 

"I am the LORD, and there is no other, 

besides me there is no God; 

I equip you, though you do not know me, 

that people may know, from the rising of the sun

and from the west, that there is none besides me; 

I am the Lord, and there is no other.

I form light and create darkness, 

I make well-being and create calamity, 

I am the LORD, who does all these things."

Isaiah 45:5-7

And now, as we move into fall and winter,

which are usually the toughest seasons for me to face, 

i've been battling my "end of summer meltdown"

(you know it's bad when you have a name for it)

it happens every year

 (except for last year, since i was pretty excited about the girls being en route at the time)

but this year it's been...different (surprise, surprise!)

i can't even really explain how

it's been more of a back burner feeling than an actual moment where i melt down

maybe because i really don't have the time to sit down and deal with it; 

there are mouths to feed, bums to change and tears to be soothed away

but it's still hard to ignore the resident knot in my stomach...

i know it may sound silly to most people, 

but to me, it's a real life battle that i face

and it makes living harder
and if i'm not careful, it gives satan a chance to sneak into my head

to steal my joy, to turn my focus inwards instead of upwards, to keep me from giving thanks in everything

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour...And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:6-8 and 10-11

this morning, as the girls were napping 

(thank you, Jesus!)

i sat down with my Bible in one hand and my coffee in the other

 (once again, thank you, Jesus!)

and as i read, the Lord began reminding me of His goodness, His grace, how He has redeemed His people,

 how He values me and my cares (no matter how silly they are!),
how His grace is sufficient to carry me through anything that i come up against

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for  my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

when i started this blog, i promised myself that i would be real on it

that i would speak my heart and share both my highs and my lows

in hopes that at the very least, it would serve as an outlet for me, but more importantly, it may make a difference in the lives of others who feel the same way

the first three-quarters of this year have been the most difficult months of my life so far

and i'm just now getting to a point where i have the strength to share a glimpse of what has been on my heart and mind

but early on in this role of motherhood,
the Lord laid on my heart that I should share my experiences to minister to and encourage others
so here i am

because trials should not be wasted, but redeemed.

i know He is not finished teaching me and working on my heart

i know there is still so much to learn 

i know that i am on a journey of redemption and this is a season of much work in my heart

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 

Philippians 1:6

i wish i could sit down and tell you all the details, 

but between my memory failing me and there not being enough time in the day,

this snapshot will have to do

i hope it encourages and challenges you

but more importantly, i hope it draws you to Him and tells you of how wonderful He is.

that He has a plan 

that we can trust Him

that He always comes through and He's always on time, 

even if it doesn't look that way

even if we don't see it come full circle in our own lifetimes

because when it's all said and done, its all about Him.